26 Completely Serious Predictions for 2026

For as long as the future has existed - and it stubbornly insists on doing so - there have been people willing to explain it to us in advance. French apothecary and astrologer, Nostradamus remains the gold standard: a man who perfected the art of saying everything and nothing at once, in verse, through a haze of plague, and what we now politely call ‘interpretation’. His quatrains have foretold wars, disasters, the rise and fall of empires, and, with enough creative massaging, nearly every Tuesday since 1555. He didn’t predict the future so much as lease it indefinitely, allowing each generation to move in, rearrange the furniture, and declare him a genius all over again.

Centuries later, we streamlined the process. American astrologer, Jeanne Dixon traded cryptic poetry for plainspoken certainty, predicting assassinations, political victories, and global catastrophe with the confidence of someone who had already read the last page. When she was right, she was celebrated as prophetic; when she was wrong, history quietly cleared its throat and turned the page. Dixon understood a crucial rule of prediction (as do, for better or worse, some modern-day politicians): accuracy is helpful, but volume is essential. Predict enough things, loudly and often, and some of them are bound to land. The rest can always be explained away by timing, interpretation, or the mysterious will of forces best left unnamed.

Then there was Elizabeth Barton, the so-called Holy Maid of Kent, who prophesied in the early 1500s with such spiritual conviction that even kings paused to listen. A Benedictine nun, whose visions initially earned her the support of King Henry VIII, Barton’s revelations were vivid, persuasive, and occasionally inconvenient.

When she foretold that if the King divorced Catherine of Aragon and married Anne Boleyn (which came true), he would “die a villains’ death”, her prophetic career came to a predictable end. She was executed for treason in 1534. Barton reminds us that prophecy was once a serious business, handled with reverence, fear, and the occasional execution.

Which brings us, predictably, to now. The future remains stubbornly opaque, prediction remains irresistible, and despite centuries of evidence to the contrary, we continue to believe this might finally be our year. Rather than pretend we’ve cracked the code, decoded the signs, or glimpsed destiny through a burning bush, we’ve decided to embrace the tradition properly. What follows are our predictions for 2026: not divined, not ordained, and certainly not reliable - just delivered with absolute confidence, unnecessary specificity, and the serene certainty of people who will not be held accountable.

26 Completely Serious Predictions for 2026

1.    A major tech company will announce a “Digital Detox App”.

It will cost $14.99/month, require daily engagement, and send push notifications reminding users to stop using push notifications.

2.    An AI will win an award for best screenplay.

The acceptance speech will thank “the human experience” and then immediately monetize it.

3.    A global conference will be held to discuss burnout.

Attendance will be mandatory. Breaks will be optional.

4.    An actor will win an award for authenticity.

They will thank their acting coach.

5.    A political scandal will involve trust.

The shocking part will be that anyone still had any left to begin with.

6.    A famous billionaire will warn about greed.

This will be taken seriously.

7.    An ambitious climate pledge will be announced.

The deadline will be flexible.

8.    A streaming service will Introduce “Background Shows”.

They’re designed to be half-watched while scrolling, cooking, or dissociating. Critics will call it “bravely ignorable.”

9.    A new diet will encourage eating whatever you want, but sadly.

Portion control will be achieved through mild existential dread.

10. A nuclear reactor powered vacuum cleaner will be introduced. 

Replacement bags will be expensive.

11. A simultaneous, universal translator will finally work perfectly.

People will still misunderstand each other.

12. A smart refrigerator will become sentient.

It will judge your diet.

13. A pill that cures insomnia will be released.

Side effects include vivid dreams about not sleeping.

14. A device that reads minds will hit the market.

The privacy policy will be lengthy.

15. A perfectly accurate, portable lie detector will be invented.

It will make small talk awkward.

16. A vaccine for procrastination will be developed.

Unfortunately, distribution will be delayed.

17. The word “Unprecedented” will be officially retired.

It will immediately be replaced with “deeply concerning,” which will also be retired by June.

18. A wellness influencer will popularize “Aggressive Rest”.

It involves doing absolutely nothing, but with rules, accountability partners, and a $400 online course.

19. A fitness tracker will add an ‘Avoided Responsibility’ metric.

Users will be expected to compete fiercely while pretending not to care.

20. A device that measures happiness will be introduced.

It will come with an adjustable scale.

21. A fully automated government will go online.

Customer service will still be unavailable.

22. A cure for aging will be announced.

It will require lifelong treatment.

23. An election will be declared ‘The Most Important of Our Lifetime’.     

Again....

24. Kanye West will release a statement.    

Context will be requested. Context will not arrive.

25. Elon Musk will clarify a statement.   

The clarification will require further clarification.

26. David Attenborough will say something quietly profound about the planet.    

It will be quoted everywhere and acted upon nowhere.

Let 2026 Begin

If any of these predictions come true, it won’t be because we were right. It’ll be because reality has a well-documented habit of stealing jokes and insisting it thought of them first. The future doesn’t need prophets - it needs editors. It arrives carrying promises, warnings, and a lot of confident explanations, most of which age badly by spring. New ideas will be announced as breakthroughs. Old ideas will be rebranded as solutions. Everyone insists this time is different.

What we do know is this: whether we’re ready for it or not, 2026 has arrived dragging with it the same familiar luggage - hope, panic, innovation, regret – just with newer stickers slapped on the side. There will be announcements made with straight faces that should require background laughter. Pledges will be framed as inevitabilities and inevitabilities as progress. We’ll nod, scroll, argue about it online, and call that participation.

Prediction has never been about accuracy. It’s about control, or at least the appearance of it - a way to pretend the mess ahead has an outline, a timeline, and a customer support number. We do it because not doing so would force us to admit we’re improvising, and nobody likes to hear that the band hasn’t rehearsed.

So welcome to 2026! Listen closely when someone tells you they know exactly what’s coming next. Take everything you hear with a grain of salt, including this. The future won’t unfold according to plan, prophecy, or press release. We’ll know better. We’ll do it anyway.